Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
