I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
