my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
