so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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