Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
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He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
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Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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