do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
