those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Also, beer. Big fan.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
tell me about the eggs
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
