I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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