Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
