i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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