So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
