Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
