As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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