I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
