i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
