definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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