you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
