i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
