Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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