I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
