Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
