this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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