chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
