i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
