1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
