How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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