you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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