Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
