Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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