okay pat passed out under dana's car
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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