so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
