At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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