listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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