the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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