she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
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I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
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I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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