Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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