I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
