I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
