Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
