Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
