Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
