If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
