my sisters under your porch take her home
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
