I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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