Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
