I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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