Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
