Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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