just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
