The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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