Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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