Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
